The Crucifiction of Bastard Jesus by Peter Caffrey and Lindsay Crook
“The book which made the Pope’s sphincter tighten and his testes retract into his body.”
The story of Easter is well known, but the church is more tight-lipped about the second son of God, one who was created as a back-up plan to the more notorious Jesus Christ. While the birth of the Plan B messiah should have been terminated once the first-choice conception went ahead, an administrative cock-up in heaven resulted in the boy being born in Bethlehem, close to a somewhat more infamous stable.
The two sons of God lived separate lives. Despite this, in a cruel irony, the second son of God was also crucified on Good Friday, much like his more famous sibling, but in vastly different circumstances.
Peter Caffrey and Lindsay Crook, who happen to be theological historians as well as writers of filthy tales, join forces to reveal the harrowing story of the man referred to by the Vatican, in its most secret records, as Bastard Jesus.
Jesus H Christ
Did you know that God had a backup plan when it came to the birth of Jesus? No one seems to talk about that. There was another Jesus who was there just in case the first conception didn't go as planned. Technically, he wasn't supposed to be born, but there was a goof in the administration department, and his mother gave birth to him. This is the story of that Jesus. Caffrey and Crook deliver a laugh-out-loud tale of biblical proportions. It's wrong on so many levels, and I am here for it. I want, no, I need more collaborations with these two authors. I can't recommend this enough. Check it out. 5 severed fingers out of 5
What is a Frying Pan?!
So whoever turned around and suggested this team-up is an absolute genius. Not going to lie, it was like reading the Monty Python extreme horror version of the Bible. If this was read in church I would be there every Sunday! My twisted sense of humor was having a field day, from the presentation of God and his angel Gabriel to the second cumming (hurhur did you like what I did there?). This story was epic, funny, disgusting, and has many memorable lines in it. So God on a whim decides you know what I wanna impregnate a human. But to be on the safe side let's have essentially a backup Mary, in case things go to shit. Of course, we get to follow the journey with Joseph and Mary after her miraculous conceptions lead to her eating a roadkill pigeon. But we also get to find out about the mischievous Gabriel, which by the way loved the reference to the discovery of dinosaurs that made me chuckle. As he struggles to obey God's orders to terminate Jesus number two. A decision he will soon regret, as the story goes on and things get even more batshit crazy. I am hooked guys, I do not wanna put this down because I don't wanna miss a second. Especially when the second couple ends up in a shithouse for the birth of not-Jesus. The one line that has me in stitches every time is this one: ‘And Mary, there’s someone here to see you; some bloke with wings.’ ‘Like a sanitary towel?’ Mary asked. Bloody broke me. But to be honest with you I would be here all day just going through some of the witty quotes in this tale. But it soon becomes obvious that Jesus number two may be a little off, they should be grateful they didn't understand the frying pan reference. I'm pretty sure Ghetto Mary would have lamped him angel or not. I definitely enjoyed the way they made Bastard Jesus more likeable than J.C. who came off as an entitled spoiled brat. But yeah, I kinda feel sorry for B.J as he ends up the same fate as Jesus but worse. Although in all honesty pissing on someone's e probably is not the way to cure anything. This dark, messed-up version is just what I needed to cheer me up and honestly, I can not wait to see what these two come up with next.
Miracles and Mayhem
I feel so festive about the Easter holiday after reading this book, really lifted my spirits. This book is so much fun and historic.
Holy frying pans!
I absolutely love these 2 authors seperately and fuck me, they make a great team! Their fucked up humour and twisted minds mould together perfectly! Now this, this is the story of God and Jesus that I can vibe with! And as a little treat, the true story of how the dinosaurs came to be is thrown in too…. Archangel Gabriel is tasked with finding a couple of couples for God to impregnate, the famous immaculate conception! He wants back-up just in case anything should go wrong, and Gabriel finds the perfect couples, well, almost…. After God plays a 'tiny' joke on Gabriel, Gabriel decides there's no harm in a little joke of his own…. Ten years later, Bastard Jesus is enjoying his birthday party, if he can remove his hand from his winkle for 5 minutes!! Gifts and miracles abound as he discovers a new talent when messing about with the leftovers! And what the hell is a frying pan???? Which is worse though, Bastard Jesus or Jesus? You'll certainly have fun finding out! Sick, twisted, disgusting, ludicrous, depraved, hilarious fun!! Happy Easter!! ✝️
This was one of the most original and blasphemous stories I have ever read! A quick read that will leave you laughing at its absurdity and wit. Both authors are brilliant in their own right, but together, they are definitely a force. This would make a great story to read to your family over Easter dinner… just saying…